c.o.’s monthly updates—october/november 2025
hello hello! been a bit, hasn’t it? i apologize sincerely for that… i’ve had a rough couple of months. this is going to be a very personal update, so be prepared for some emotions and slight rambling.
first of all: i have some good news! i recently passed 30,000 words with sons of god, which is over a third of my minimum word count (90,000)! these last few weeks, i’ve finally found inspiration again, and it’s been so nice to see that number go higher again. i felt like i was stagnating for so long.
i’m sure the change of seasons has something to do with it, but i’ve felt very…i don’t know if hopeless is the right word, exactly. perhaps aimless? empty. i’ll be honest and admit that for most of october, i barely touched sons of god. all at once, it struck me how massive of an undertaking this really is, and how much of my heart is going into it. how i’m baring my soul in one way or another throughout this book. in [counts on fingers] ten months, you’ll all be seeing the culmination of about three and a half years of work.
the truth is, i feel like i’ve only very recently started doing anything. i ran away from this project for a while to wallow and hide in an old hyperfixation that came back to me because it was comforting. i knew the story already, i knew its characters. i found comfort in it, in pretending that all i had to think about was going mental trying to defeat a boss because i didn’t understand how the game worked. but running away didn’t do anything in the end, it only stressed me out more, knowing that i was failing myself because i was a coward. there’s a lot of emotions i’m facing with sons of god…shame, arrogance, anger, hatred. terror, most of all.
i’m terrified of so many things. how i’m getting sicker with every passing day and nothing seems to help, how much the world feels like it’s collapsing around me, how i feel like i’m falling into nothingness the more time passes. but just recently, i walked across a wall along the bike path in town. it’s not a big wall, really: maybe 15 feet/4.5 metres long, about half that high. but walking across it—i couldn’t see its sides anymore. i felt like i was walking on cardboard that would give out and toss me into the void. to my right were massive rocks half the size of me, to my left was dying grass over cold, solid dirt. it was a very acute fear, in that moment—and i almost fell, more than once—but the more i consider it, the more i realize that fear is a constant nagging thing in my heart. i’ve been afraid my entire life, yet i’m usually able to get past it. so what’s stopping me now? i can’t live my life festering in the background of my own mind. i can’t return to that again. i need to be more than that, for my own sake.
if you read all of this rambling, thank you. i hope it helps you realize that there is Just Some Guy behind all of this. i’ll leave you with the usual snippet, and in the words of my favorite class from my favorite game (gold star if you know and aren’t one of my friends who i scream about it endlessly to): do not let your fears pursue you. turn and face them. fight them.
until next month (hopefully) - c.o. lopez
